“Fear, to a great extent, is born of a story we tell ourselves,
and so I chose to tell myself a different story from the one women are told. I
decided I was safe. I was strong. I was brave. Nothing could vanquish me.
Insisting on this story was a form of mind control, but for the most part, it
worked. Fear begets fear. Power begets power. I willed myself to beget power.
And it wasn’t long before I actually wasn’t afraid.” –Cheryl Strayed in WILD.
[THE PITCH] To me, fear is a twisted torch, simultaneously igniting the
heart and scorching the soul as it leads the way.
In quite a few of my blogs, I’ve written about the role of
stress in sports. In my world, stress is an underlying, smoldering fire of
fear that, despite my attempts to ignore or even suffocate it, cannot be
extinguished. But I am learning now that
perhaps it is time to put down the hose.
So…what is there to fear in
football?
To say that I fear failing would be too broad. Everyone
fears failure on some level. Small failures are inevitable and so constant that
they often go unnoticed. Some people fear simply ‘not being good enough’.
Others have more specific fears, like missing an open net in the last minute of
a final. These fears sit like the candles on my windowsill; if the room gets
too hot, I can blow them out. These burns
fade quickly, barely singeing the skin. But, I do not fear that I am not good ‘enough’
because the bar is always rising, and I cherish the climb. I do not fear
missing the game winning shot because, I mean… how many times have I already
done that?
My flammability comes from my vulnerability. In the same way
the ball’s bounce is often out of my control and unpredictable, so is my
future. As a female footballer in 2012, the circumstances of my professional
world can change like a match struck in wind. It can catch… or it can fizzle. My
career is at the mercy of a few coaches’ opinions. And so, I fear that there is
nothing I can do to guarantee success. My wildfire burns from the outside in. I
fear not being able to affect all of the outcomes, all of the time. I fear
getting caught in the fire.
It started as a spark: a flicker of passion, the will to
win. But over the years, fanned by frustration, it spread within me, like the
wildfires fueled by the Santa Ana’s of home. Fear can be a great motivator, a power source, but left uncontrolled, it
can burn ferociously, laying to ashes everything in its path. As a southern
California girl, I expect fires. They are part of nature. But I do not accept
them. As an athlete I have made my home in the middle of that combustible path.
And over time I’ve learned that the best way to deal with fear is not to battle
it- ‘fighting fire with fire’- but rather, to empower myself by tapping its
energy and harnessing its forces. In the words of Mike Tyson ”…let it cook for
me…and heat my house.”
Sometimes taking control means letting go. Like flickering
flames, football’s precarious nature can be unnerving. There have been plenty
of times in my career that I’ve felt that I have played a good game, but was
unable to ignite my team and we lost. On the other hand, there have been times
that I was not exactly smokin’ yet the ball ‘bounced off my shin guard’ and
into the back of the net, yielding a win, and setting the crowd on fire. I am
trying to embrace the unpredictable properties of this sport. They are, after
all, what make it so hot! Great matches are like raging infernos as both
spectators and players come ablaze in the heat of uncertainty. Fans erupt in
response to great plays and players erupt in response to the fans. Can I thrive
in this type of energy?
It does, however, take more than time to tame a fire. It
takes patience, persistence, and, yes, power to tame my fears. A certain level
of insecurity is good. I know that to play football the way I want, I have to
use this fire for fuel. I’ve found that the harder I try and more determined I
am, the more the game, with its frustrations and disappointments, heats-up my
passion for playing. So, yes…fear may beget fear but from its embers…I will
rise.
[Almost Off The Post!] A List Of Anonymous Footballers’ Secret Fears:
- “Someone pulling
down my pants for double butt cheek exposure.” HEADLINE: Full Moon at Valhalla.
- “Lack of identity
without football.” The youth player.
- “Getting picked
last for the team.” The veteran player.
- “Finally getting my
picture in the paper… but then accused of steroids. Who knew I had that many
muscles in my neck?!?!”
- “The camera catches
my finest snot rocket of the year.” CAPTION: Only one snot on frame.
- “Going down in a
game like I just got shot… with a leg cramp.”
– Using ‘shutter’
when I mean ‘shudder’ in my blog. Called out again. J
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